I feel compelled to begin this by saying that I love my life. I have very nearly everything a girl could hope for. I love my wonderful husband and my amazing kids. Every one of you should wish you had my life. (I truly believe that, but I'll try not to rub it in your face.)
That said, having twins and becoming a stay-at-home mom (surely there's a better term for that) has changed my life in more ways than I could have imagined. The vast majority of those changes are for the good, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. However, there are a few things I miss, things about my old life that I wistfully daydream about while wiping food off toddlers' faces, jamming sharp blocks into my instep, and protecting poor Pepper's eyes from being gouged out by curious girls. Those things are, in no particular order:
Reading: I used to be an avid reader. I'd read any book that came my way -- fiction or non, science and cyberpunk and Jane Austen and Lemony Snicket. I used to log at least one book every month in my book log. Now I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Goodnight Moon.
Knitting: Many of you know that I was once a devoted and skilled knitter. I'd spend hours at a time working away on sweaters or blankets or scarves the size of blankets. I have a yarn stash that takes up much precious space in this not-so-large condo. Will I ever get to use it? I fear not.
Writing: I once dreamed of writing The Great American Novel. (I had no idea what it was going to be about. I just wanted to write it. Actually, I wanted to have written it, fast-forwarding straight to the praise, adulation, and millions of dollars.) Now, all of my writing ends up right here on the blog. And you know and I know that more often than not, I just post a large picture with a short comment. Pathetic.
Sleeping: I used to joke that I suffered from somnia -- the opposite of insomnia. I love to sleep. I'd sleep for 10, 12, 14 hours a day if I could. And let me tell you just how much sleep a mother of 15-month-old twins gets (especially now that they're giving up their morning nap): not much.
Spontaneity: When you have twins, they tell you to enforce a strict schedule. Everyone gets up, eats, naps, and goes to bed at the same time. Otherwise, you have complete chaos. I've taken that advice to heart, and for the first time it my life, I stick with military precision to a rigid schedule that varies very little from day to day. And after more than a year of this, I am just about to lose my mind.
Size 6: Goodbye, pre-maternity pants. I'd like to think we'll meet up again someday, but that doesn't seem likely.
That extra bedroom: Once upon a time, all of our miscellaneous clutter could be piled up in our spare bedroom (the "office," we called it -- "junk room" would have been more accurate). And when it got too overwhelmingly messy in there, all I had to do was close the door and pretend it wasn't there. These days, that room is occupied by two cribs, a rocking chair, a changing table, etc. And all that clutter? Everywhere.
I'm not complaining. I love my life. But is it so wrong to have just a tiny bit of nostalgia for things that used to be?
6 comments:
I can assure you, the schedule is so worth it.. and it does get better. I went lax with the singleton at the end of our peanut gallery. I wished I would have enforced the schedule with precision.
By the time they are 4 you will be loosening the schedule a bit.. (stick with the nighttime ritual).
The books? Well, I got to read the Ramona the Pest books again, with a good excuse. I've also found some others that we didn't have as kids that are quite amusing. And even though I can still recite most of Red Fish Blue Fish One Fish Two Fish even 8 years later.. they remember it too.
I yearn for the house I cleaned once a week and that alone time I used to get before I was married. But I also remember how lonesome I would get.
I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's either... how long until they're 18?
That is an excellent point, Sonya. There are so many wonderful moments that I get to experience every day -- particularly the unabashed joy the girls show every time they learn something new. In exchange for all the things I've given up (temporarily), I've gained two amazing little people who keep me entertained (and on my toes) all day long.
This weariness lady be no crime.
It's hard work to take care of one baby, never mind two. And add to that two babies who were extremely premature and, though doing very well, still have to be treated with a little more caution than a full-term, non-OI, baby would be.
It will get better, then they'll be in school and activities and it will get worse again, but being a mother is the most rewarding thing I ever did. I wouldn't change a thing.
Speaking as someone outside the mommyhood bubble (for at least another day ... or week ... or two ... or three), I think that any mom who doesn't express some fondness for those things temporarily lost is the mom who's completely lost her sense of self. And I never think that's healthy for the kids--when Mom's whole identity and life and world is wrapped up and placed squarely on their tiny little shoulders. Oy! The pressure!
And it's so nice to see the three perspectives from the veteran moms here. Kelly's point is definitely one of my biggest worries as I head into the mommyhood bubble, and I loved seeing three experts assuring you (and me) that it's normal and will be worth it and will adapt with time and.... Words to take to heart.
When you are not taking care of their every need, you will forget you have twins. I no longer pack two bottles, wipe two butts, put on 2 pairs of shoes. Now, they are just my two sons that happen to have been born on the same day.
I am glad I took a lot of pictures and scrapbooked faithfully the first couple of years of their life, because it is all a sleepless blurr now.
I love Goodnite Moon...
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