Yes, I was not exactly what you'd call "employed" before, I know. But I recently lost my steady freelance gig, and I'm finding that the loss has had a much bigger affect on me than I'd have expected.
Other than the affect it has on my bank balance, that is. The monetary lost is to be lamented, for sure. But I'm extremely fortunate in that Airan has a good, steady income that takes care of our basic needs. The mortgage will be paid. The kids will eat. That's all that really matters. We'll be feeling a pinch, for sure, but the straits are not dire.
I know that as recently as four weeks ago, I was stressed out from my toes to my earlobes about how I was going to get everything done in the course of an average day. Between taking care of the girls and getting my freelance work done, I was maxed out. So, honestly, when I first heard rumors that my freelance project was likely to end, my first emotion was relief. I won't have to juggle everything anymore! I can be a good mom and stop feeling guilty for neglecting something or someone all day long.
And now that I have no freelance work coming in, it's not like I have any free time. My days are still full to the brim just keeping up with these crazy kids. Honestly, I'm not sure how I was doing the freelance work before without going psychotic.
But something isn't right. I've never been terribly career-oriented, likely because I've yet to figure out what I want to do with my life. And despite that, I find that having no work has left me feeling inadequate, insignificant, diminished in some way. I'm not pulling my weight, but worse than that, I've lost my value. I contribute nothing. I take up space.
This is all very silly, of course. I take care of two wonderful but demanding kids all day every day, which is job enough for anyone. I'm cooking up little projects for myself (that I rarely find time for), I try to help Airan with his many projects, and I try to keep up with y'all in the blogosphere. I'm busy. I'm active. I'm useful. Right?
I never thought that my own self-worth could be so tied up with something I considered to be an inconsequential, insignificant job. I need to find some other yardstick to measure my own value. I guess that's my main project these days. And it seems to be a full-time job.
3 comments:
I was a stay-at-home mom until Dan started Kindergarten, and I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it.
I couldn't have earned enough to pay for daycare, so I was worth more staying at home.
Unfortunately, the government doesn't see it that way. You don't have an earnings record, nor are you contributing to Social Security and Medicare, never mind a retirement plan.
It's not your fault you don't value your own work as a mom . . . our society doesn't appreciate the value of a stable family.
Once I started working, I did feel anxious on those rare occasions when I didn't have work.
Be patient. You'll get your freelance clientelle built up over time, and while you're raising my grandaughters you're doing the most important job in the world.
Your mom has sage advice.
Being a mother is the most noble job, although the pay sucks. Enjoy your time and build you base over time.
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