Shear Disaster

"Please, for the love of all that's good and pure, don't let our mom near us with scissors ever again."

The Vampire Sophia

I've been musing on the possibility that the twins, especially Sophie, could be vampires. Consider the evidence:

1. They have extremely pale skin and sunburn easily. (Not that I would know that, Mother of the Year that I am.) Also, they love to wear sunglasses.

2. For long stretches of time, they have shown nocturnal tendencies.

3. Like any good Transylvanian, they generally replace "v" sounds with "w" sounds in their speech.

There is some evidence to the contrary, such as the fact that the girls seem to have no aversion to garlic -- quite the reverse. Still, I think this speaks for itself:

I Feel Like I'm Forgetting Something

Happy No Pants Day!

If Atkins Says It's Okay

Actual IM transcript between the hubby and me at about 9:00 tonight (slightly edited to take out the boring parts you don't care about):

Kelly: now, do I order a beef and cheddar sandwich...?

Airan: i was going to order grilled cheese
go for it!

Kelly: My stomach says yes, my hips say no

Airan: did you eat dinner?

Kelly: not yet

Airan: then order and do dishes while waiting

Kelly: eh
it's expensive
and bad for me

Airan: ok...
but you need to eat something

Kelly: the dreams of damned souls

Airan: ?

Kelly: they're not very filling
low-cal and all

Airan: damned souls?
?

Kelly: their dreams

Airan: oh

Kelly: You don't read a lot of diet books, do you?

Would You Like to Play a Game?

While we're discussing movies, here's a bit of a game for you. These are some of my household's most common movie quotes. Can you identify them?

1. "You're quick. Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid or something?"

2. "Phone's ringing, dude."

3. "How's that working out for you?" "What?" "Being clever."

4. "Good morning, Dave."

5. "Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"

6. "Show Mommy how the little piggies eat!"

7. "I die, die, die."

8. "I became bulimic." "You can read minds?"

9. "Watch out for your cornhole, bud."

10. "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

11. "I hate you, and I hate your ass face!"

12. "Doesn't it look like I'm ready? I am always ready! I have been ready since first call! I am ready! Roll!"

13. "Smell bad!"

Stay tuned next time for TV quotes such as "It's tired in here!" and "We need to modify a tricorder to emit a tachyon beam."

History of the World, Finis

The scene: The twins are napping, I'm plowing through some freelance work, and I decide to flip through the free on-demand movies I could watch to pass the time. Eureka! History of the World, Part 1! I love this movie. Airan and I picked up a used VHS copy years and years ago, and we watched it so many times I think we destroyed the tape.

As Empress Nympho sings her little "Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no" ditty, I get up to take a stretch, bend over to touch my toes, and feel several pops and snaps in my neck. Seeing as I'm a raging hypochondriac, I think to myself, "I could die right now. I could collapse this instant, never to revive. Airan would come home to find my body on the floor in front of History of the World, Part 1. It's a good thing the girls are safely tucked away in their cribs, shielded from this traumatic sight."

You know, if I were to die in front of a movie, and if I could choose that movie, I think History of the World, Part 1 is a good way to go.

Tell me, what movie would you like to die to?

A Ruggy, Buggy Day

Renée Zellweger, Ella Fitzgerald, Edward R. Murrow, and Al Pacino were all born on this day. On this day in 1947, Truman inaugurated the White House bowling alley. And on this day, [number deleted to protect the author] years ago, Rug's Bug entered the world. Happy birthday, RB!

Thanks to history.com and biography.com.

All Fired Up

As I type this, I can smell smoke. I hear sirens and helicopters. I assume this fire is the cause. I tell you, this is a little closer than I like to get to dangerous situations, even though it's several blocks away. Would evacuating be an overreaction?

In the Year 2000

I found these Predictions for the Year 2000 from The Ladies Home Journal of 1900 via Wacky Neighbor, thanks to a tip from Rug's Bug. Here are a few of my favorite predictions:

Prediction #16: There will be No C, X or Q in our every-day alphabet. They will be abandoned because unnecessary. Spelling by sound will have been adopted, first by the newspapers. English will be a language of condensed words expressing condensed ideas, and will be more extensively spoken than any other. Russian will rank second.

Prediction #21: Hot and Cold Air from Spigots. Hot or cold air will be turned on from spigots to regulate the temperature of a house as we now turn on hot or cold water from spigots to regulate the temperature of the bath. Central plants will supply this cool air and heat to city houses in the same way as now our gas or electricity is furnished. Rising early to build the furnace fire will be a task of the olden times. Homes will have no chimneys, because no smoke will be created within their walls.

Prediction #22: Store Purchases by Tube. Pneumatic tubes, instead of store wagons, will deliver packages and bundles. These tubes will collect, deliver and transport mail over certain distances, perhaps for hundreds of miles. They will at first connect with the private houses of the wealthy; then with all homes. Great business establishments will extend them to stations, similar to our branch post-offices of today, whence fast automobile vehicles will distribute purchases from house to house.

Prediction #27: Few drugs will be swallowed or taken into the stomach unless needed for the direct treatment of that organ itself. Drugs needed by the lungs, for instance, will be applied directly to those organs through the skin and flesh. They will be carried with the electric current applied without pain to the outside skin of the body. Microscopes will lay bare the vital organs, through the living flesh, of men and animals. The living body will to all medical purposes be transparent. Not only will it be possible for a physician to actually see a living, throbbing heart inside the chest, but he will be able to magnify and photograph any part of it. This work will be done with rays of invisible light.

Prediction #29: To England in Two Days. Fast electric ships, crossing the ocean at more than a mile a minute, will go from New York to Liverpool in two days. The bodies of these ships will be built above the waves. They will be supported upon runners, somewhat like those of the sleigh. These runners will be very buoyant. Upon their under sides will be apertures expelling jets of air. In this way a film of air will be kept between them and the water’s surface. This film, together with the small surface of the runners, will reduce friction against the waves to the smallest possible degree. Propellers turned by electricity will screw themselves through both the water beneath and the air above. Ships with cabins artificially cooled will be entirely fireproof. In storm they will dive below the water and there await fair weather.

The Nocebo Effect

As a raging hypochondriac, I found this story, about 600 teenage girls in an isolated boarding school developing mass hysteria, to be very interesting. I don't think I'd ever heard the term "nocebo effect," in this case used to describe a negative state of mind bringing about detrimental health effects, but it makes perfect sense. According to the HowStuffWorks story:

"For example, in the early 1990s, a study showed that women who believed they were prone to heart disease were four times more likely to die than women who didn’t believe they were susceptible, even though both groups of women had similar risk factors."

Let this be a warning to us all! Think good thoughts and believe good things. Our brains are extremely powerful machines, and we're perfectly capable of willing ourselves into illness and poor health. Thinking good thoughts not only helps us stay healthier -- it has the added benefit of making us happy.

And that's my public-service announcement for the day.