Mending Metaphysical Rifts

Today we’ll be brushing up on our metaphysical mending skills. All too often, we suffer unexpected and unpleasant tears in our metaphysical fabric or loosenings of our most basic threads. While mending these distressing faults can be daunting, you’ll soon find that it’s just as simple as darning a worn sock—and every bit as worth your time!

Before we begin, take out your scissors, straight pins, elastic (enough to stretch the length of the rift to be mended; when in doubt, about 1.2 yards*), theoretical thread, a hand-sewing needle, and grosgrain ribbon (in a color of your choosing; optional). Keep your materials close at hand to ensure this quick and easy repair goes smoothly.

Take a moment now to identify the precise location of your rift. Use the following chart to determine what sort of rift you’re suffering from and where it is located.

Symptom(s): Generalized frustration, feelings of impotence

Rift type: Impedance

Location: The lower left quadrant (gazing outward) of your sixth ventricle, just above the second chakra.

Symptom(s): Malaise, ennui

Rift type: Disaffectation

Location: The left (malaise) or right (ennui) shoulder, usually deep inside the enervative cuff.

Symptom(s): Jealous rage

Rift type: Covetousness

Location: While this type of rift feels global, it is actually quite small and contained entirely within the fifth metacarpal of the dominant hand.

Symptom(s): Yearning, hopelessness

Rift type: Irredemptive

Location: This diffuse rift permeates the thoracic cavity and can be squirrely to pin down.

Once you’ve identified your rift type and location, grip it firmly in one hand. Spend a goodly length of time considering it, wallowing in its complete control of your emotional state. If, after this step, you still have the will to continue, use your free hand to carefully lay the elastic against the length of the rift. Pin the elastic in place using as many straight pins as necessary or enough to achieve attunement, whichever is more.

(This maneuver is tricky when mending rifts of covetousness; if necessary, use your teeth to hold the elastic in place, being careful not to ingest feelings of fury or straight pins.)

Using the needle and theoretical thread, contemplate sewing the elastic in place.

If you so chose, you may now apply the grosgrain ribbon. This step can sometimes result in a newly created morbid or grotesque rift, so proceed with caution.

And you’ve done it! Now you can mend any rift that tears your being asunder, and with a little practice, you’ll be able to adorn those tears with ribbon, a lace edging, pom-poms, or even a sequined border—because even the most persistent metaphysical afflictions benefit from some sprucing up.

Be sure to join us again next week, when we’ll explore using silk flowers in feng shui of the soul.

* Rifts of doubt almost always measure 1.2 yards.

All Mimsy

Head over to Flash Fiction Online to read my teeny tiny short story All Mimsy.

Useful Text Shortcuts for All Occasions

Apple's iOS5, newly installed on iPhones across the land, has a built-in text expander. Helpful techie websites (e.g. , http://lifehacker.com/5849229/how-to-configure-ios-5s-awesome-built+in-text-expansion) offer useful suggestions for phrases and shortcuts you can program into your phone: "brb" for "Be right back," or "thx" for "Thanks," for example. I feel as though these techies aren't really exploiting the text expander's full potential. To get the most out of my iPhone and to save myself time, I've programed a few shortcuts that will save me countless hours of thumb-typing.

"stm": Stop texting me; I am busy and/or you are boring.

"ctn": Can't text now--I'm driving in the rain on the highway, and every time you text me, you knock me out of the Netflix app and interrupt my screening of "Wives & Daughters."

"ich": I can haz [to be combined with one of the following]

- "chz": cheezburger

- "fum": five uninterrupted minutes

- "atctjhastitsohap": all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace

"prs": Proofread your text and resubmit it; I will then consider reading it.

"pdb": Poor, dead bastard.

"wwf" (for use within the Words With Friends app): I accept your surrender.

"manifesto": I hereby declare that I will stand up for the rights of the downtrodden, the neglected, the hungry; and that I will cherish every brightly burning spark of inspiration, innovation, inclusion, and love that drives us to be better humans and makes the universe spin with wonder and harmony and joy; and that I will require a margarita.

Foundation Beyond Belief Launches!

I've mentioned before that I'm extremely excited about Foundation Beyond Belief, and not just because our company built the website and both Airan and I are continuing on as volunteers with the group after launch. Even if we had no involvement with the Foundation other than as members, I'd still be over-the-moon excited about it. When Dale McGowan dreamt up this group, he struck a chord with freethinkers, humanists, atheists, what-have-you. Many of us want to be part of a community and want to support efforts to make our world a better place, but without the structure of a church or other faith group, we often have a hard time finding outlets for our charitable impulses. Foundation Beyond Belief addresses that need and brings us together for the greater good.



I'll let Dale explain how the Foundation works:







Today is the big day! If you're so inclined, go to the site, sign up for a membership, set your monthly donation level, and decide how your contribution will be divvied up among the featured charities. Let's get this decade off to a roaring start. Happy New Year, and happy giving!

What are you doing to make the world a better place?

Lately, I've been thinking about what I'm doing to make the world a better place--what I could be doing, what I should be doing. Humanity faces not one but many crises on a global scale--the environment, human rights, access to health care--and far too many of us who are in a position to help have our heads buried in the sand.

We nonreligious folk, in particular, need to be doing more. The American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS) tells us that there are more religiously unaffiliateds in the U.S. than ever before, yet studies show that secular Americans donate less time and money to charity than our religious neighbors. It's very easy for the religious to point at those studies as proof that we're morally inferior. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to prove them wrong.

Dale McGowan, the founder and executive director of Foundation Beyond Belief, likes to talk about memes. I think his new Foundation responds to a meme that's been in the minds of atheists/agnostics/humanists/freethinkers--we all want to do more. The Foundation is our invitation to gather together, to pool our resources and our ideas in service of humanity.

Do you get a warm, fuzzy feeling when you put out your recycling? Great. Now take it a step further. The Foundation's Facebook Cause page drew 1,700 members. If each of them signs up to give just $10 a month, $1 in each of the Foundation's 10 categories, by the end of a year we'll have raised $204,000 for charity. That's $20,400 to promote human rights around the world, $20,400 to protect the environment, $20,400 to combat poverty. That's huge. I know times are tough, but can't we all swing $10 a month? And those among us who can give more will boost those numbers even higher.

Now, this isn't a competition. It's not about which group of people gives more or does the most good. But if that's what it takes to move us to action, great. The world benefits. We're all giving more. We're all doing good.

So I'm asking you to join me. Create your account at the Foundation website. And do more than sign up for the monthly automatic deduction. Get involved. Read the blog, and leave your comments. Join in the discussion forums. We have a lot of work to do. Let's get to it.

Speaking of that blog, I'm extremely honored that Dale caved to my begging and appointed me blog editor for the Foundation. We're still gathering our stable of bloggers, so if you have a favorite blogger who's talking about human rights, education, poverty, peace, child welfare, animal protection, or health (and who also happens to be a humanist), send 'em my way. Thanks!

Skinny

I believe my daughters to be quite slender. They're tiny little things, still light and easy to pick up and haul around. But maybe that's just me seeing what I want to see. You be the judge:

Assuming we all agree that these children are skinny little girls, can someone please explain to me why it is that I cannot find pants that fit them? Size 3T is just the right length, but way too tight around the middle. Size 5T is perfect at the waist, but the girls' feet drown in all that extra length. Are my children not normally proportioned? Sure, they're smallish for four-year-olds, but they're not abnormally short of leg or round of midriff.

Do children's clothing manufacturers honestly think these girls need to lose weight? Are they already assaulting us with the idea that we must all be waif thin? Silly me, I thought we had a few more years before we had to start fighting off those negative body images.

This gratifying parenting moment brought to you by Bilbo Baggins

We've been slowly working our way through The Hobbit with Evie and Sophie. It comes in waves -- for a week or two, they want to read it every night for their bedtime story. Then it goes out of vogue, and we don't touch it for weeks. Lately, we've been reading about Bilbo's adventures almost every night.

Much of The Hobbit is sailing right over their four-year-old heads. That's to be expected. But they understand enough to follow along and stay interested. Often, we pause to discuss what we've just read or what a particular words means, but those pauses are almost exclusively instigated by Airan or me. The girls seem content to listen and float along with the story.

When we last saw Bilbo, he had just bested Gollum in a riddle contest. Tonight, we picked up with Gollum's horrible realization that his precious was missing, and Bilbo's belated flash of understanding that the ring he'd found in the cave was no ordinary ring. The two then chase through the dark goblin caves, Gollum desperate to reclaim his birthday present and Bilbo just fighting to stay alive. Bilbo considers using his glowing sword to end the battle once and for all, but as Gandalf later recalls, pity stayed his hand.

At this point, Evie piped up with, "What does 'pity' mean?"

And thus began our discussion of what it means to feel pity. (This is the kind of parenting moment when the alarms sound in my head. "This is a big deal! Don't screw this up!") We talked about Gollum, what his life was like deep in the dark cave with no friends, no light, no good food to eat, nothing to comfort him or make him happy. And the girls' sweet little faces grew sad, concerned, troubled -- it was heartbreaking to look at them. "This is what it means to feel pity. We think about Gollum's life, and we feel sad for him."

And they got it. They really understood. They made up stories about their animal friends being alone and lost, and we talked about how that would make us feel. At their tender age, I can see the seeds of empathy sprouting, taking root.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago today, I was in week three of my doctor-imposed hospital bedrest, hoping against hope that I could get the two little rugrats occupying my uterus just a few weeks closer to full term before they burst into the world. June 9, 2005, was the last day I could entertain those hopes; around 9:00 that night, the contractions kicked into high gear.

As they were wheeling me from my hospital room to a labor and delivery room (just in case!), a nurse asked me how far along I was. "Twenty-eight weeks," I said. She gave me some breathing advice that she said would help me get through the contractions until the C-section to come. "Oh, no," I said. "We're not having these kids yet. It's too early." She gave me a pitying look. She'd seen enough women in labor to know that those kids were coming, whether I liked it or not.

"I think you need to brace yourself for the possibility that you'll be giving birth tonight." She said it kindly, but firmly.

And she was mostly right. About twelve hours later, at 9:10 am and 9:14 am on June 10, 2005, Sophia and Evelyn said hello to the world. We didn't even get to see Sophie in the delivery room -- she was whisked away by the nurses and neonatologists, and I didn't lay eyes on her until hours later. They gave us a quick photo op with tiny, tiny Evie before she was also carried off by the specialists.

And so began the lives of Evelyn and Sophia, with more struggle than most babies have to deal with. I think their challenging beginnings gave them an extra fire, a fighting spirit, and a flair for life, but maybe that's what every mother says. Regardless, they are two vibrant, brilliant, exuberant girls, and while I can't quite believe it's been four years already, I'm so glad they're mine.


Happy birthday to my beautiful girls!

Hey, Oprah! Pay attention!

Oprah needs to read this. You guys should read it, too.

Like Water

I am a child. Here's why:

I've been trying to make some lifestyle and diet changes lately. One of the most compelling reasons for this is that I have developed a vicious case of LPRD, which could theoretically be lessened by some simple changes on my part. (And the proton-pump inhibitors I've been eating like candy are leeching all the calcium out of my bones, which is a bad, bad thing.)

One of the things I could do to help the situation is give up certain foods, such as chocolate.

Let's take a moment and think about how likely that is.

Did you hear that maniacal laughter interspersed with hopeless weeping? Yeah, that was me. You can pry my chocolate from my cold, dead fingers.