In Memoriam

I'm not trying to be melodramatic when I say June 24, 2006, was the worst day of my life. It just was. Airan and I said it to each other: "Today is the worst day of our lives." And it was. It is terrifying and depressing to know that there will most likely be worse days ahead, other loved ones lost, unless I should have the good fortune to go first. I don't know how much more grief I can bear.

The other thing Airan and I stressed to each other: This is how I want to go. If I'm sick, if I'm suffering, if I can't make these decisions for myself, let me go. Give me that gift. Don't force me to linger when there's no hope for happiness or joy or comfort in life. I just hope that, whichever one of us is faced with such a decision, we'll have the strength to go through with it.

I'm still having a hard time talking about it. If you call me and ask me how I am, don't expect me to bring up the topic. If you bring it up, expect me to dodge and avoid and change the subject. It's still too raw. It hurts too much. I'm progressing very slowly through the stages of grief. I'm going to need a long time.